Yes this is PhD

Since when I was a kid, thought of becoming a PhD fascinated me. I looked up to people who talked about PhD, I rarely met anyone though. When I was in XII standard one of our teachers was a PhD, in fact the first person with a PhD I met in person. He was impressive, he was even good to me and I respected him as a teacher. Nitin Shah was his name and he had the eccentricity of a genius. I wanted to be like him, then I moved to DA-IICT and there were professors who were PhDs. It looked like PhD was a common thing there. Yet, I admired them for being called Dr. So and So.

When I look back and try to connect the dots, I look down at me as if I am a loser. I gradually, eventually developed myself into a freak; at least I had a clear conscience. I made a big move one year after graduating, leaving my easier life as a software engineer and now here I am, In USA doing PhD and having nightmares..or probably daymares, for I seldom can sleep at nights. I do not know what am I doing, I have no idea where am I going, and I have no idea if PhD is gonna end some day.

Most of my friends are married except Prk and Kunal. Well, Kunal is half married, engaged that is. My sisters remind me of my age during skype calls. They lure me to this institution of marriage by telling me what a stunning mermaid is waiting there for me to get married to. However, being a loser I have no idea what do I want. I get scared thinking of anything and I often try not to. I also have (had probably) B12 deficiency which affects the behavior of my brain and which made me feel good about myself being a crazy freak.

I taught last semester and I would say things in class that I did not intend to. While teaching XML, for example, I would suddenly start using the word Python Compiler to mean XML interpreter and only when students started smirking I would know I goofed up. I am getting crazy or I don't know probably I am already half crazy. I had to write a paper which I did start, but couldn't finish the project in time to close the paper and submit it. I have the project almost ready now and perhaps I will submit it next month. It is 6:47AM and I did not sleep a wink last night. I just couldn't, even though I tried.

Not all is bad, I still don't get suicidal thoughts. I still haven't lost all hope. I am slow but I am moving and as the famous Japanese adage goes "Never be afraid of moving slowly but of standing still".

I feel better after vomiting out this senseless post and I think I can sleep in a while, after finishing Chetan Bhagat's yet another book. For I am a nerd, let me tell you an old news. Google has been banned in China. Because of political issues Google doesn't say Chinese Govt tried to hack Gmail accounts of human-rights activists. Instead, they just said that someone did. Yeah, a hacker has so much to know about a human-rights activist's emails.

Well, now I am feeling much better. Thanks blogger...or thanks to Google indirectly.

शब्द गूंथे हैं

यूँही बैठे बैठे आज कुछ शब्दों को पिरोने की कोशिश करते करते एक ख्याल दिल में आया | आप के नज़र करता हूँ उम्मीद है आपको पसंद आएगा:

जंग लगे संदूक में पड़ी  हुई, सिलवटों में लिपटे कागज पे छपी हुई, एक मुरझाई सी फोटो है,
जब  भी  दिल  की  दस्तक  पे  वो  संदूक  खोलता हूँ  बोतल  निकालने  के  लिए,
एक  दबी सी सहमी  हुई हसीं  के साथ,
संदूक  बंद  कर देता  हूँ, दोबारा ना छूने का वादा करता हूँ.
जवाब  जो  नहीं  है, सिलवटें  हिसाब  मांगती  हैं.

 एक ज़माना था, हर बात का जवाब रखते थे हम भी,
आज दहलीज पे बैठी हुई बिल्ली की मानिद, सपनों से खाली सुर्ख आँखों में,
किसी वीरान सड़क पे, काफी उंचाई पे, लगे एक दिए की तरह,
सिर्फ हलकी सी उम्मीद है,
काबू नहीं है, मगर इंतज़ार है, किसी हरकत का,
शायद इसिलए बार बार संदूक खोलता हूँ,
कपड़ों की तह में सिर्फ यादें है और कुछ भी नहीं मगर फिर भी,
ये हलकी सी उम्मीद जो है इसके सहारे संदूक खोल लेता हूँ.

खुदा या तो कोई हरकत कर या इस उम्मीद को भी उसी संदूक में बंद कर दे,
अगर उम्मीद काबू नहीं कर सकता तो ले
मुझ नामुराद को किसी संदूक  के अन्दर कर दे!!

Homecoming of Ms. Mac

I knew we belonged to the same institution - the institution of perfection. I sort of knew that, from the start, but it took me some time to realize. Nevertheless, I did realize and I am happy that I did. I am glad that we united. Boy! I just love her, even she has never disappointed me. She comfortably sits on my lap while I explore the world through her. The world has become a better place for me. Everything is so easy on eyes, I even love those sites which were a big NoNo earlier.

She is not the first laptop I used. She is not even the type I was acquainted with. Yet, she adopted me and I got used to her. We are inseparable now. She has the best OS ever made. She got the killer looks too. She doesn't even know what does a "blue screen of death" mean, she just doesn't freeze, no matter what.

Sometimes, I wish she had a button to move a page up or down, or a Home or End button, or even a Delete button that behaved like my other bitch did. I initially felt I lacked power without those buttons - try pressing back arrow key to go to the start of a line from its end. However, I am sure it is about stop being lazy and learning the real mode of interaction and knowing correct key combination.  After all, it gave me Command and Option buttons that are no match. I wanted to name it, but it already had a name that I could brag about. They call it MacBook, so do I.

It is white in color, even the LED is white which looks awesome in the dark. It is much faster with its 2.2 GHz Intel Core 2 Duo processor - I don't know why I always had this feeling that Intel is attached with MS somehow. The hard disk is not enough but as long as you do not store porn 160GB won't exhaust. Songs are now melodious and soothing- she is made by the same people who made iPod. The battery lasts forever, yet it is lighter. Even the charger has a magnetic end which rushes towards the correct "hole" and fits right in, as soon as you take it closer to its abode. The screen is just 13" but everything still fits as good as it did on 15". I wonder who re-sized my favorite websites, who told them I got a new computer, I don't know but it seems somebody did. That was all geeky stuff about her. By the way If I am a geek, what good does an apple a day do to me? Food for brain eh?

If there was a way to thank her I would. Alas! even to write this blog I need her. I could use the other one that I have kept at my place for no reason, but then, I don't want to offend my latest love.In short, we are getting along very well. She treats me well, never gets too hot and just never means to say "get lost". What else do I need? Let me guess, some rest. Yes! I desperately need it. Ok then, I bid you good buy. Oops Good bye!!

A diwali away from home

It was Diwali yesterday, a festival of lights, a festival to celebrate triumph of good over evil, a festival to fill your dull and boring life with joy, happiness and sparkling light. Here in Atlanta, I celebrated it with my roommate, a few friends and my family. Yes! I said, my family, before you scratch your head bald let me thank Skype.

It all started with a call from my room mate a night before Diwali. He reminded me that it was Diwali the following day and that we had to celebrate it. The plan was made instantly on phone, "you make something special", I suggested, "I will prepare Aloo Tikki and Atta ka Halwa", I added. We agreed, in the morning the first thing was to find out what all things were available and what were missing for that Gourmet's Delight. Surprisingly, we had only a few things missing. I needed some Coriander/Cilantro for Aloo Tikki and some dry fruits for Halwa and he wanted Aloo and Kaala Jeera for Aloo Dum that he wanted to cook. That is not bad when you need Curd, Tamarind chutney, Mint Chutney, Onions, Jeera/Cumin seeds and hell lot of other things for just Aloo Tikkis. We also cajoled a friend to "share" this with us and make some puris as his part of work. Later, we had to drop puris from the menu as we only had enough atta for halwa.

With all set, I pressure cooked 6 medium sized potatoes, made Tikki Masala out of it and started making Aloo Tikki while Navneet (my roomie) was gone to Farmer's market to get those small Aloos for Aloo dum. By the time he came back Aloo Tikkis were ready so we had 2-3 Aloo Tikkis each, there were still 4 of them left uncooked, to be eaten in the morning.

Then I started making halwa, the whole process was complicated but, other then messing up with hot water, rest all went good. Guys, if you want to make halwa prepare some hot water in advance, trust me you do not want to add cold water to your halwa. It looked awesome until I added water to it, but, after that it became sticky and did not taste good at the end. However, they did not complain about it and we kind of ate 15% of all that I made.

Navneet has a skilled hand when it comes to making Dal-Makhaani, luckily he had some from day before Diwali and he made some Aloo Dum today. So dineer was all good, we had dinner together and it was again fun more than this post for sure.

Everything was ok outside the kitchen, but when we had our dinner and went back we did not see our kitchen there, it was a big mess. All four burners of the stove were blatantly displaying the menu of the day to everyone. The sink was a humble witness of atrocity and was crying out loud if those yellow stains can be counted as tears. The utensils were fighting with each other to find their rightful place in the basin. We had no idea how many utensils we used, we were running out of spoons, bowls, forks and everything else that you usually have in a kitchen which is barely a kitchen.

I had to take responsibility of this herculean task, I got up in the morning took out the vacuum cleaner and cleaned the burners, I know it sounds weird but it works when you have lumps lurking around. It took almost 15 minutes but burners were squeaky clean. Next was the sink and then was the time to eat some of the leftover halwa with those 4 aloo tikkis. How could I miss family? How could I miss friends? How could I miss anyone when I did so much here? I do not know how, but I did miss everything. For few moments I wanted to be home. I wanted to help my nephew and niece with firecrackers. I wanted to be their hero chacha once more. I wanted to go out with friends. I wanted to have some pictures with my mom to put on my orkut page. I wanted to be happy not just look happy. All in All, I wanted to have part of what you had there friend. Someday I will, being an optimistic I always think that. Someday I will.