US Diaries

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Abortion in the ears

My wife is an ENT Surgeon while I am a Gynaecologist. This can lead to some complications, as I recently learned to my anguish. A General Practitioner called me up and told me that she is sending a patient of hers for an abortion. Unknown to me, she had also referred a female with earwax for removal of the wax to my wife.

I duly informed the receptionist to send the patient right in as she was expected (and expecting!) As Murphy lays down the laws of our hospital, it was but natural that the patient who wanted the wax removed from her ear, landed up with me. This is the conversation that I had with the patient.
"Please come in. Be seated." I said with a big smile. I always have a big smile, when I am going to earn some money. The patient gave a feeble smile and sat hesitantly on the edge of the chair. "Relax."

"Doctor, will this hurt a lot?"

"Not at all."

The patient relaxed visibly. "You know something, Doctor, we tried removing it at home, but failed."

I was shocked. "Thank God. Trying this at home can cause serious complications."

"I first tried to remove it by jumping up and down, but it just wouldn't budge."

I smiled and said, "If it were that easy, who would need doctors?"

She gave a cute smile and said, "Yeah! My neighbour tried to remove it with his finger, but the hole is so small that he used a hair pin."

"Oh my God!"

"Yes! My mother even tried a matchstick."

My blood pressure was shooting skywards. I just sputtered without uttering a word.

"Tell me, doctor, how do I avoid getting this dirt inside me?"

I knew that it was an unwanted pregnancy, but calling it dirt was too much. I replied a bit angrily, "There are tablets which can prevent this happening. Or you could use protection at night."

Now it was the patient's turn to be confused, "You mean to say that it happens only at night?"

I saw her point. "No! No! I meant anytime of the day, whenever you are in the mood, you should use protection."

She was even more confused, "It depends on my moods?"

Again I saw her point.. "My mistake. You need not be in any sort of mood. It just happens."

"My neighbour advised me to go to one of those chaps who sit by the roadside."

"You mean that pin man?"

"Yeah!"

This neighbour of hers seemed to be a very dangerous man. Besides using pins, he was sending her to such quacks. The only safety he knew was among the pins. "You were wise not to heed his advice."

"But I tried his other advice. He told me to put warm oil inside and wait. However, that also did not work."

This was getting more and more bizarre. Her neighbour deserved to be locked up either in a padded cell or a barred one.

"But have you taken your husband's permission?"

Now the patient looked confused. "Do I have to take my husband's permission? Because if you need his sign, he is working in Dubai . We were not able to meet for the last one year."

It was my turn to be shocked. I gave a sly smirk. It was one of 'those' cases. The pin-wielding neighbour seemed to me the usual suspect. I reassured her. "No! No! The husband's sign is not at all needed."

"However, I did inform him on phone."

Her husband seemed to me a very broad-minded fellow. I didn't know whether to congratulate her or to commiserate with her. So I hastily turned to other aspects. "Its good that you came a bit early."

"Actually I wanted to come early in the morning, but I had some other work."

"Oh! I did not mean early today. I meant that if you had delayed this removal, it would have started moving. Then it would have developed a heartbeat."

The patient was staring at me wide eyed as if watching a horror movie. Looking at her face, I decided that she was not fit to listen to the grotesque details. I decided to relieve her a bit. I said, "You will bleed a bit, but only for a few days."

By now, the poor patient was trembling, "how-H-How much bleeding?"

"Oh, only slightly more than your menstrual period, and it will continue only for a week or so."

By now the patient was clutching her hair in her fingers and staring at me wide-eyed. I asked her soothingly, "Why don't you lie down on the examination table? Remove your clothes and relax."

This was the final straw. She didn't even wish me goodbye. I saw just a blur of motion leaving my consulting room at top speed.

How to make up after a fight with her?

If you made the mistake of engaging in the fight with your loved one, your girl friend, your wife or your secretary, this is the best advise to make up for it. Remember you can always send this as an email.

I am sorry , my ! I love you so much but I keep hurting you. Last night I looked up into the stars and matched each one with a reason why I love you. I was doing great until I ran out of stars. You know what? If you held up 11 roses into a mirror, you’d be looking at 12 of the most beautiful things in the world. Since you are so beautiful, I sent an angel to look over you at night. The angel came back a minute later and I asked it why. It told me "Angels don't watch other angels." I wanted to tell you that you are my best friend, my shoulder to lean on, the one person I know I can count on, you're the love of my life, you're my one and only, you're my everything. If I had to choose between breathing and loving you, I would use my last breath to say, I love you. Before I run out of words to express my feelings, I want to say that, I could conquer the world with just one hand as long as you were holding the other. Never leave me. Please always be there not for me but with me.

Love you.
Yours,


Don't be a jackass sending this in email without replacing those placeholders, otherwise another fight will ensue.

I will fight for my right

How would you like your day to start? Fine, let us say it started well. How would you like it to end? You would wish like I do. How many times does that really happen? If you are very lucky often, but never always. I dare to say no one in the world ever had all days that were good. I am no exception. I had kind of a bad day today and more to come tomorrow. That too when I had almost a bad day - the day before yesterday.

The story goes like this. I reached Bangalore on 10th of May, 2010. Addicted to technology, I missed two things - phone and internet. Therefore, I bought a USB internet connect card and an Airtel Sim that very evening. It is 28th May today - 18 days since I've been here. On 26th May my internet suddenly died on me without any email or SMS notification. Why would they ask for these details if they do not want to use them? Huh. I enquired and found out that apparently my subscription to Internet ended that day, surprisingly at 9:00PM. I had to call it a day helplessly, when I was all charged to work on a project.

Coming to the recent incident - I am not a texting (SMSing) person but for some odd reason yesterday I paid a sum of Rs. 52 to get unlimited SMS service for a month. I texted everyone, even JD. This afternoon, suddenly my outbox was full of messages that were not sent. I was ok, as none of them were sent to my boss Dr. Narayanan. In the evening, I tried to call Deutsche Bank customer service to request them not cancel my account as they mentioned in their email today. To my dismay, I found out that outgoing calls from my number were blocked. I was not sure what was happening. I called Airtel customer care and, added insult to injury, they told me that not only my outgoing calls were blocked, my sim has also been recycled. When, out of curiosity, I asked what that meant I was told that I could no longer use this sim and will lose my balance of Rs. 100 + Rs. 52 spent on that stupid texting scheme. I felt like kicking my ass for sending SMS to JD. The representative also told me that the reason for this was that my documents were not submitted. How the hell is this possible? I did submit them, like twice. It wasn't ok the first time but then I submitted again and all went through quite well. I went (could not call right?) to the person who sold me that sim and was responsible to send my documents to concerned people. He sympathized for the balance. He said it doesn't work that way. You go to their (Airtel) office tomorrow and tell them your story. They will give you a duplicate sim which you will be able to use. I hope they do. I do not want to lose this number at any cost. Well, may be I can but "I will fight for my right". Hell yeah. If I was a big shot that line would have been printed in tomorrow's times paper somewhere. lol. A blog after a bad day is a great way to end it. Isn't it?

Can you reach anywhere?

Today I was reading something and Zeno of Elea's paradox drew my attention. It is quite interesting, hold your breath and read on. Wikipedia says "Zeno's paradoxes have puzzled, challenged, influenced, inspired, infuriated, and amused philosophers, mathematicians, physicists and school children for over two millennia. The most famous are the so-called "arguments against motion" described by Aristotle in his Physics."

This arguments against motion can be descibed as:

"That which is in motion must arrive at the half-way stage before it arrives at the goal. "
-Aristotle, Physics VI:9, 239b10

What does it mean? Suppose my friend JD wants to catch a stationary bus. Before he can get there, he must get halfway there. Before he can get halfway there, he must get a quarter of the way there. Before traveling a fourth, he must travel one-eighth; before an eighth, one-sixteenth; and so on. As he must travel an infinite number of distances, he can never catch the bus. This argument is called the Dichotomy because it involves repeatedly splitting a distance into two parts. If this is not true than infinity is something that can practically yield "finitism". If this is true there is no point moving.

What do you think?

Yes this is PhD

Since when I was a kid, thought of becoming a PhD fascinated me. I looked up to people who talked about PhD, I rarely met anyone though. When I was in XII standard one of our teachers was a PhD, in fact the first person with a PhD I met in person. He was impressive, he was even good to me and I respected him as a teacher. Nitin Shah was his name and he had the eccentricity of a genius. I wanted to be like him, then I moved to DA-IICT and there were professors who were PhDs. It looked like PhD was a common thing there. Yet, I admired them for being called Dr. So and So.

When I look back and try to connect the dots, I look down at me as if I am a loser. I gradually, eventually developed myself into a freak; at least I had a clear conscience. I made a big move one year after graduating, leaving my easier life as a software engineer and now here I am, In USA doing PhD and having nightmares..or probably daymares, for I seldom can sleep at nights. I do not know what am I doing, I have no idea where am I going, and I have no idea if PhD is gonna end some day.

Most of my friends are married except Prk and Kunal. Well, Kunal is half married, engaged that is. My sisters remind me of my age during skype calls. They lure me to this institution of marriage by telling me what a stunning mermaid is waiting there for me to get married to. However, being a loser I have no idea what do I want. I get scared thinking of anything and I often try not to. I also have (had probably) B12 deficiency which affects the behavior of my brain and which made me feel good about myself being a crazy freak.

I taught last semester and I would say things in class that I did not intend to. While teaching XML, for example, I would suddenly start using the word Python Compiler to mean XML interpreter and only when students started smirking I would know I goofed up. I am getting crazy or I don't know probably I am already half crazy. I had to write a paper which I did start, but couldn't finish the project in time to close the paper and submit it. I have the project almost ready now and perhaps I will submit it next month. It is 6:47AM and I did not sleep a wink last night. I just couldn't, even though I tried.

Not all is bad, I still don't get suicidal thoughts. I still haven't lost all hope. I am slow but I am moving and as the famous Japanese adage goes "Never be afraid of moving slowly but of standing still".

I feel better after vomiting out this senseless post and I think I can sleep in a while, after finishing Chetan Bhagat's yet another book. For I am a nerd, let me tell you an old news. Google has been banned in China. Because of political issues Google doesn't say Chinese Govt tried to hack Gmail accounts of human-rights activists. Instead, they just said that someone did. Yeah, a hacker has so much to know about a human-rights activist's emails.

Well, now I am feeling much better. Thanks blogger...or thanks to Google indirectly.

शब्द गूंथे हैं

यूँही बैठे बैठे आज कुछ शब्दों को पिरोने की कोशिश करते करते एक ख्याल दिल में आया | आप के नज़र करता हूँ उम्मीद है आपको पसंद आएगा:

जंग लगे संदूक में पड़ी  हुई, सिलवटों में लिपटे कागज पे छपी हुई, एक मुरझाई सी फोटो है,
जब  भी  दिल  की  दस्तक  पे  वो  संदूक  खोलता हूँ  बोतल  निकालने  के  लिए,
एक  दबी सी सहमी  हुई हसीं  के साथ,
संदूक  बंद  कर देता  हूँ, दोबारा ना छूने का वादा करता हूँ.
जवाब  जो  नहीं  है, सिलवटें  हिसाब  मांगती  हैं.

 एक ज़माना था, हर बात का जवाब रखते थे हम भी,
आज दहलीज पे बैठी हुई बिल्ली की मानिद, सपनों से खाली सुर्ख आँखों में,
किसी वीरान सड़क पे, काफी उंचाई पे, लगे एक दिए की तरह,
सिर्फ हलकी सी उम्मीद है,
काबू नहीं है, मगर इंतज़ार है, किसी हरकत का,
शायद इसिलए बार बार संदूक खोलता हूँ,
कपड़ों की तह में सिर्फ यादें है और कुछ भी नहीं मगर फिर भी,
ये हलकी सी उम्मीद जो है इसके सहारे संदूक खोल लेता हूँ.

खुदा या तो कोई हरकत कर या इस उम्मीद को भी उसी संदूक में बंद कर दे,
अगर उम्मीद काबू नहीं कर सकता तो ले
मुझ नामुराद को किसी संदूक  के अन्दर कर दे!!

Homecoming of Ms. Mac

I knew we belonged to the same institution - the institution of perfection. I sort of knew that, from the start, but it took me some time to realize. Nevertheless, I did realize and I am happy that I did. I am glad that we united. Boy! I just love her, even she has never disappointed me. She comfortably sits on my lap while I explore the world through her. The world has become a better place for me. Everything is so easy on eyes, I even love those sites which were a big NoNo earlier.

She is not the first laptop I used. She is not even the type I was acquainted with. Yet, she adopted me and I got used to her. We are inseparable now. She has the best OS ever made. She got the killer looks too. She doesn't even know what does a "blue screen of death" mean, she just doesn't freeze, no matter what.

Sometimes, I wish she had a button to move a page up or down, or a Home or End button, or even a Delete button that behaved like my other bitch did. I initially felt I lacked power without those buttons - try pressing back arrow key to go to the start of a line from its end. However, I am sure it is about stop being lazy and learning the real mode of interaction and knowing correct key combination.  After all, it gave me Command and Option buttons that are no match. I wanted to name it, but it already had a name that I could brag about. They call it MacBook, so do I.

It is white in color, even the LED is white which looks awesome in the dark. It is much faster with its 2.2 GHz Intel Core 2 Duo processor - I don't know why I always had this feeling that Intel is attached with MS somehow. The hard disk is not enough but as long as you do not store porn 160GB won't exhaust. Songs are now melodious and soothing- she is made by the same people who made iPod. The battery lasts forever, yet it is lighter. Even the charger has a magnetic end which rushes towards the correct "hole" and fits right in, as soon as you take it closer to its abode. The screen is just 13" but everything still fits as good as it did on 15". I wonder who re-sized my favorite websites, who told them I got a new computer, I don't know but it seems somebody did. That was all geeky stuff about her. By the way If I am a geek, what good does an apple a day do to me? Food for brain eh?

If there was a way to thank her I would. Alas! even to write this blog I need her. I could use the other one that I have kept at my place for no reason, but then, I don't want to offend my latest love.In short, we are getting along very well. She treats me well, never gets too hot and just never means to say "get lost". What else do I need? Let me guess, some rest. Yes! I desperately need it. Ok then, I bid you good buy. Oops Good bye!!

A diwali away from home

It was Diwali yesterday, a festival of lights, a festival to celebrate triumph of good over evil, a festival to fill your dull and boring life with joy, happiness and sparkling light. Here in Atlanta, I celebrated it with my roommate, a few friends and my family. Yes! I said, my family, before you scratch your head bald let me thank Skype.

It all started with a call from my room mate a night before Diwali. He reminded me that it was Diwali the following day and that we had to celebrate it. The plan was made instantly on phone, "you make something special", I suggested, "I will prepare Aloo Tikki and Atta ka Halwa", I added. We agreed, in the morning the first thing was to find out what all things were available and what were missing for that Gourmet's Delight. Surprisingly, we had only a few things missing. I needed some Coriander/Cilantro for Aloo Tikki and some dry fruits for Halwa and he wanted Aloo and Kaala Jeera for Aloo Dum that he wanted to cook. That is not bad when you need Curd, Tamarind chutney, Mint Chutney, Onions, Jeera/Cumin seeds and hell lot of other things for just Aloo Tikkis. We also cajoled a friend to "share" this with us and make some puris as his part of work. Later, we had to drop puris from the menu as we only had enough atta for halwa.

With all set, I pressure cooked 6 medium sized potatoes, made Tikki Masala out of it and started making Aloo Tikki while Navneet (my roomie) was gone to Farmer's market to get those small Aloos for Aloo dum. By the time he came back Aloo Tikkis were ready so we had 2-3 Aloo Tikkis each, there were still 4 of them left uncooked, to be eaten in the morning.

Then I started making halwa, the whole process was complicated but, other then messing up with hot water, rest all went good. Guys, if you want to make halwa prepare some hot water in advance, trust me you do not want to add cold water to your halwa. It looked awesome until I added water to it, but, after that it became sticky and did not taste good at the end. However, they did not complain about it and we kind of ate 15% of all that I made.

Navneet has a skilled hand when it comes to making Dal-Makhaani, luckily he had some from day before Diwali and he made some Aloo Dum today. So dineer was all good, we had dinner together and it was again fun more than this post for sure.

Everything was ok outside the kitchen, but when we had our dinner and went back we did not see our kitchen there, it was a big mess. All four burners of the stove were blatantly displaying the menu of the day to everyone. The sink was a humble witness of atrocity and was crying out loud if those yellow stains can be counted as tears. The utensils were fighting with each other to find their rightful place in the basin. We had no idea how many utensils we used, we were running out of spoons, bowls, forks and everything else that you usually have in a kitchen which is barely a kitchen.

I had to take responsibility of this herculean task, I got up in the morning took out the vacuum cleaner and cleaned the burners, I know it sounds weird but it works when you have lumps lurking around. It took almost 15 minutes but burners were squeaky clean. Next was the sink and then was the time to eat some of the leftover halwa with those 4 aloo tikkis. How could I miss family? How could I miss friends? How could I miss anyone when I did so much here? I do not know how, but I did miss everything. For few moments I wanted to be home. I wanted to help my nephew and niece with firecrackers. I wanted to be their hero chacha once more. I wanted to go out with friends. I wanted to have some pictures with my mom to put on my orkut page. I wanted to be happy not just look happy. All in All, I wanted to have part of what you had there friend. Someday I will, being an optimistic I always think that. Someday I will.

Laugh Riot

I found this one on internet. It is beyond limits. A total laugh riot. If you read this and do not laugh you need to see a doctor. Trust me any sane human being will laugh his lungs out after reading this masterpiece.

THE GYM

From: Jeff Peters

Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 10.22am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Membership Renewal

Dear David

This is a friendly reminder to let you know your gym membership expired last week. Your membership is important to us and we would like to take this opportunity to show our appreciation by offering you a 20% discount on your membership renewal. We look forward to seeing you again soon.

All the best,

Jeff Peters

------------

From: David Thorne

Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 1.37pm

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Membership Renewal

Dear Jeff,

Thankyou for your friendly reminder and the kind offer to reduce my membership by twenty percent. I own a calculator but I could not work out how to do percentages on it so have estimated that I save around $372.10 off the normal price of $420.00 - Please confirm that this is correct and I will renew my membership immediately. Also, do I get a Fitness First sports bag with towel and drinking bottle included in the price? I own my own legwarmers and headband.

Regards, David.

------------

From: Jeff Peters

Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.01am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello David

How did you come to that amount? Our half year membership fees are actually $460 but with the 20% discount as an existing member your renewing membership fee would be only $368 for the six months saving you almost $100 off the normal price. We are not Fitness First so do not have those bags.

Cheers, Jeff

------------

From: David Thorne

Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.18am

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

Do I get free shipping with that?

Regards, David.

---------

From: Jeff Peters

Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 12.48pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Free shipping with what? The $368 covers your membership fees for six months.

----------

Notice REGARDS MISSING :)

----------

From: David Thorne

Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 2.26pm

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

By the power of Greyskull that is a lot of money but I admit to being in desperate need of increasing my body strength. My ten year old child often turns the taps off in the bathroom very tightly and I have to go several days without washing. I feel bad constantly having to ask the lady from next door to come over and loosen them for me, what with her arthritis and limited wheelchair access to my apartment. To be honest, I originally joined your gym with full intentions of attending every few days but after waiting in vain for someone to offer me steroids, I began to suspect this was not going to happen and the realisation that I may have to exercise instead was, quite frankly, horrifying. My aversion to work, along with the fact one of your employees, Justin, was rather rude, telling me to 'lift this', ''push that' dulled my initial enthusiasm of becoming muscular and I stopped attending.

Regards, David.

----------

From: Jeff Peters

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 9.17am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello David

Not sure how to take your email, nobody here would offer you steroids, it is illegal and none of our staff would do this. Justin is one of our most experienced trainers and if you found him rude while he was trying to be helpful and just doing his job then there are plenty of other gyms you could look at joining instead.

Cheers, Jeff

---------

From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.02am

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

Yes, I have noticed that there are many gyms in my area. I assume the low qualification requirements of fitness trainers means that there is an over supply of these buffed but essentially otherwise purposeless professionals. I knew a guy in high school who couldn't talk very well and collected sticks, he used to call the teacher 'mum' and during recess we would give him money to dance. Then sell him sticks to get our money back. He went on to become a fitness instructor so I view gyms as kind of like those factories that provide a community service by employing people with down syndrome to lick stamps and pack boxes. Except with more Spandex obviously.

Regards, David.

---------

From: Jeff Peters

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.32am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Go f *ck yourself.

--------

From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 11.38am

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

I was, at first, quite surprised at your response; one minute you are inviting me to renew my membership and asking me for money, the next insulting me. After doing a little research however, I have learnt that mood swings are an expected side effect of steroid abuse. As another side effect is a reduction in the size of your p#$%, this gives you understandable cause to be an angry person. I have also learnt that Spandex contains carcinogenic properties so this does not bode well for yourself and your shiny friends. If I woke up one morning and my p#$% was a quarter of the size I would probably take my anger out on those around me as well. There are probably support groups or websites that could help you manage your problem more effectively and picture based books available on the subject for people with limited reading skills. When I am angry I like to Listen to music by Linkin Park. The added angst and desire to cut myself works similarly to the way firefighters fight forest fires by burning off sections, effectively canceling each other out and I find myself at peace. I understand that you guys usually listen to Pet Shop Boys or Frankie Goes to Hollywood so this may be worth a try.

Regards, David.

-------------

From: Jeff Peters

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.04pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

DO NOT EMAIL ME AGAIN

------------

From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.15pm

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Ok.

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From: Jeff Peters

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.25pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Is that you being a smartarse or agreeing not to email me again?

-----------

From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.32pm

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

The middle one.

----------

Another One:

PETS

Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 11.18am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Pets in the building

Hello David

I have received your email and wish to remind you that the strata agreement states that no animals are allowed in the building regardless of if your apartment is soundproof. How many dogs do you have at the premises?

Helen

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From: David Thorne

Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 1.52pm

To: Helen Bailey

Subject: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

Currently I only have eight dogs but one is expecting puppies and I am very excited by this. I am hoping for a litter of at least ten as this is the number required to participate in dog sled racing.

I have read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled from timber I borrowed from the construction site across the road during the night. I have devised a plan which I feel will ensure me taking first place in the next national dog sled championships.

For the first year of the puppies life I intend to say the word mush then chase them violently around the apartment while yelling and hitting saucepan lids together. I have estimated that the soundproofing of my apartment should block out at least sixty percent of the noise and the dogs will learn to associate the word mush with great fear so when I yell it on race day, the panic and released adrenaline will spur them on to being winners.

I am so confident of this being a foolproof plan that I intend to sell all my furniture the day before the race and bet the proceeds on coming first place.

Regards, David.

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From: Helen Bailey

Date: Friday 22 May 2009 9.43am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, I am unsure what to make of your email. Do you have pets in the apartment or not?

Helen

---------

From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 22 May 2009 11.27am

To: Helen Bailey

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

No. I have a goldfish but due to the air conditioner in my apartment being stuck on a constant two degrees celcius, the water in its bowl is iced over and he has not moved for a while so I do not think he is capable of disturbing the neighbours.

The ducks in the bathroom are not mine. The noise which my neighbours possibly mistook for a dog in the apartment is just the looping tape I have of dogs barking which I play at high volume while I am at work to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my tupperware. I need it to keep food fresh.

Once I ate leftover chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and I experienced complete awareness. The next night I tried eating it again but only experienced chest pains and diarrhoea.

Regards, David.

----------

From: Helen Bailey

Date: Friday 22 May 2009 1.46pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Hello David

You cannot play sounds of dogs or any noise at a volume that disturbs others. I am sure you can appreciate that these rules are for the benefit of all residents of the building. Fish are fine. You cannot have ducks in the apartment though. If it was small birds that would be ok.

Helen

------------

From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 22 May 2009 2.18pm

To: Helen Bailey

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

They are very small ducks.

Regards, David.

----------

From: Helen Bailey

Date: Friday 22 May 2009 4.06pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, under section 4 of the strata residency agreement it states that you cannot have pets. You agreed to these rules when you signed the forms.

These rules are set out to benefit everyone in the building including yourself. Do you have a telephone number I can call you on to discuss?

Helen

----------

From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 22 May 2009 5.02pm

To: Helen Bailey

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

The ducks will no doubt be flying south for the winter soon so it will not be an issue. It is probably for the best as they are not getting along very well with my seventeen cats anyway. .

Regards, David.

----------

From: Helen Bailey

Date: Monday 25 May 2009 9.22am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, I am just going to write on the forms that we have investigated and you do not have any pets.

Helen

Every time I read this I laugh.

My new blog

Finally, I am coming back to this original blog which taught me the basics of blogging. I heard the word Search Engine Optimization (SEO) so many times that I had to try it out. SEO is a technique which pushes your page's rank up. What this mean is e.g. if I blog about kid's stories and someone type "kid stories" in a search engine such as google or Bing (Microsoft) my blog should be one of the results on the first page. Sounds good eh? But this is not that easy, so they said. For the heck of it I wanted to prove that it is not impossible for a person to make a blog and get it famous. Therefore I created this blog http://indiacallsfree.blogspot.com and I am trying various things to push it's page rank up.

And joined me in this traversal has Jitu. Jitu: An avid blogger, a good friend, easy to mingle human being and a hard core critic. Do me a favor and visit his page for sheer pleasure of your eyes (if you read through eyes) http://geekinjitu.blogspot.com/. The joke in DW industry goes like the hackneyed star wars dialog "May the SSIS be with you".

The blog sits on 16th page of google right now for not so obvious queries but I am trying to make it as popular as possible. Probably you will amaze yourself some day when you click on some link on the first page of google search results and find this same blog. Amen. Till then I take your leave. Peace!!

एक दिन अलग सा

सन्वैधानीक चेतावनी : यह रचना काल्पनिक है, कृपया इसे पढ़कर यह न समझें की आपकी ज़िन्दगी सुखद है|

आज मैं सुबह ६ बजे सो कर उठ गया। स्वाभाविकतः मैं ९ बजे उठता हूँ किंतु आज न जाने क्यों मेरी नींद जल्दी खुल गई। शायद यही इस मनहूस दिन की शुरुआत थी।

Total recall Fall-2008

This is 2:25Am and I don't feel sleepy. It is not that I did not give it a try, but the reason is that my roommate is not snoring today. I am not only used to it, it has become the lullaby for this poor kid. Well, Pity me and read on. I had also tried watching The Bourne Triology back to back (torrent downloads - 26.4 GB 1080pixels blue ray), trust me guys it pays off to watch a good movie in high resolution; it turns you insomniac though. Moreover, There is one more reason for my writing this blog. This day, December 11 2008, is the first day when I am completely done with all my school related stuff for the Fall semester 2008.

The inscrutable Americans

I have been in America for quite some time now. I owe all the half a dozen visitors to my blog a post about this country. Those who read my last post know how affectionately Uncle Sam welcomed me to his land. Although, it was an experience in itself, I was more cautious after that when dealing with anyone. In the beginning, it was not easy for me talk to an American. I was rather opinionated that I would never understand what they say, because I never understood the dialogs in Hollywood movies without a “.srt” file. On the contrary it was not true, I got whatever they blabbered. However, even this is not truly true. There are accents here and they are as grueling as the south Indian languages to a north Indian. How on earth are you supposed to know that when someone says “Aabee der nekswee”, he is saying “I’ll be there next week”. If that was not enough, here come the slangs which are used incessantly by the African American (AA) inhabitants here. How can you imagine a person saying “Holy crap! That is so cool”. But AAs are just AAs. They are a different species altogether. If you wonder what I am talking about AA is another phrase (read: euphemism) for Black people here. Don’t you dare call them Black or you are a dead man, 999 out of 100 times (999 is not a typo here. You wet your pants 899 times when you see a group of AAs around). I doubt people call it African American Jack and not Blackjack here. Poor joke eh? However, that is what it is.

Let us talk about the money and expenses here. I have bought a lot of stuff here ranging from furniture to electronics and groceries. When it comes to shopping, in America a customer is treated as a king. Don’t you trust me? Reconsider your thoughts kiddo. I bought a thermos flask from Wal-Mart for $8.03, to carry home made tea to my University. I used it for almost a week but then I felt it was not worth the effort. I went back to Wal-Mart to return it. No questions asked and I was given my money including taxes back. Now picture this: you are going for a short vacation. Obviously, you want to capture your fun times, but you don’t own a camera. As a typical Indian (we are proud to be cheap) you would consider buying the best handy-cam and the best DSLR from any store near you. You will come back from vacation, copy the images/videos to your lappy and return the stuff to the store (with/without a feeling of guilt). The height was when we bought a pack of tortillas; we ate a few loaves but we didn’t like it. Therefore,..hehe... You've got it, haven’t you? Yes we returned the opened, used packet and got the money back. If Big Bazaar even thinks of giving Indians such liberty they won’t be able to keep their lights on.

To conclude this post, I would like to highlight one more unique thing here. It is their education system. It is so damn working. Being a lazy person, I was always worried about my dedication towards study. Nevertheless, here I always find myself intrinsically motivated to study whenever I find time. It will not be an exaggeration if I say I study almost 16 hours a day. Though I don’t do that, but what I do here everyday is equal to what I would do in India if I stabilized my booty for 16 hours.

An eventful journey

On the auspicious day of 27th July, amid heavy downpour, I was to bid India good bye for a long time. Uncle Sam was waiting for me with his arms wide open. I was all set to start my excursion. Nevertheless, Little did I know, there was so much in store for me on that simple looking, though long, 24 hour journey.
To save every penny that I could, I tried to pack everything I could think of. It became 52 kgs which was way more than what is usually allowed (23 X 2). I called Air India customer care to confirm the baggage allowance. As if the lady luck was favoring me, I was told I could take a third bag for free with me (Education rocks you bachelors and masters). The repacking made it a total of 69 kgs in 3 bags (this additional 17 kgs was contributed by food items). That pretty much tells you that I had everything to sustain for a year in case I can't visit Walmart in Atlanta. The flight was scheduled at 700hours IST and it took off at 0830 ST ;). That was impressive enough.
My co passenger was a generous person in his mid '60s. I call him generous because he gave a can of Heineken beer to the floor may be by mistake while opening it. After it was spilled, he asked the pillow to share the beer as the floor was not taking all of it. From there, the mighty pillow rested under my seat sucking the beer to the last drop. The Uncle loved Coke (coca cola you perverts), I can tell this because he opened the can adroitly and did not let even a single drop to mix with beer. Lucky pillow hunnn.
We had a technical (scheduled) stop in Germany. We reached Frankfurt but I can't recall what time it was. After some dilly dallying we continued and reached Chicago at 1630 hours local time. Here starts the interesting part. One officer (cop) accosted me before I could join any queue at Immigration department and sternly advised me few things. It was my first interaction with someone who had an American accent, honestly speaking I did not get most part of what he wanted to convey. However, I followed the crowd and joined a never ending queue. Few familiar faces right from my flight left this queue surprisingly and became a part of O'hare International airport...God knows why. Did I tell you I had to catch a flight to Atlanta scheduled at 1900 hours? I bet if I stayed in the queue I could not make it. I started looking here and there and when my turn came I was informed that that was the queue for American residents and Green Card holders. There was hardly 2 hours and I lost all little hope of getting into next connecting flight. I cursed my agent who said Immigration will take 30 minutes at the max. However, I managed to call another cop and requested him to give me priority over others as I had a flight to catch. Here is how it went:
Me (with a fake accent): Excuse me officer, I have got a flight to catch at 1900 hours. Could you help me make my Immigration process faster?
Cop: Everyone has got a flight to catch Sir. Please go back, stand there quietly and wait for your turn.
huh..nothing could be done. But I was happy that he understood what I said. Well, I got my passport stamped at 1830 hours. I asked the immigration officer if I would be able to make it to the next flight. He said "I doubt you can, make it fast!"
I ran to collect my bags and managed to get them in 10 minutes. I rushed towards American Airlines baggage check-in, only to found that I was late. I had already missed the flight.
What to do? Can I blame someone else for it? My agent? Naah..he won't return a single rupee back..he is an indian. Hey wait a minute..the Air India flight was delayed by half an hour. It is there fault. Eurekaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
I went to their desk, Only to find out that it was closed. I knew I was screwed. I had no phone and no coins to make a call. However, I did have a toll free number of a good friend of mine named Mitul (he is known as Meet now) and I called him up. He said anyhow get any Air India employee and talk to him as if you are talking to Vodafone customer care. They will sort it out. I asked a person, who was loading luggage for American Airlines, where can I get any Air India employee. He suggested me to check it in a staff room and I caught a lady there. I scared the shit out of her and told her that I am going through this ordeal only because the flight was delayed. She got afraid of my dyeing right there and requested me to let her check if she could do anything. She came back after few minutes with a bad news (to her) that there was no flight to Atlanta that day. She said what she could do now is to put me in a hotel and book the next available flight; which was on next morning. Believe you me I was treated like a valued customer (not like a Vodafone prepaid customer) and she was thoroughly polite during entire process. These yanks charge like anything but then they give you the perfect service. As I had no other option I agreed on that. Oh boy I dint know it was going to be a five star hotel. For the first time in my life I spent a night in a five start hotel. They even paid for my dinner and breakfast. I called my parents from the hotel (Thanks to Meet for his unending support.) and told them about me staying in a five start hotel. Everything was again getting better. I had a coffee there, had a good bath (as I had to use toilet papers there) and slept on the finest bed in the world though alone.
Next morning I reached Atlanta safely, waited on the airport for 3 hours and then a beautiful Indian girl named Geetali came to pick me up. She is the president of Indian Student Association here, and she walks as if she knows what she is. She helped me get to a place reserved for me as temporary accommodation. Thank you Geetali. That is all how I reached on this land. The week after that was filled with amazing experiences. The very first advise I got about Atlanta was this:
यह अलग मिजाज़ का शहर है जरा फासलों से मिला करो......
On that note I close this post here. Will keep you updated with all hot and happening here.

Random Conversation (aka Bak)

The title Courtesy: Abhijith, the person who spells my name in a beautiful manner, and utters with even more beauty - DINSY.
Today my PM and my PL both are on leave, thus the only task left to be done is diverting from the normal course of pretending that I work. I bugged everyone, since morning, with forwarded msgs, and they responded too while pretending that they work. One of them (forwards) was a great work of Photoshop, and the consequences gave birth to this blog. I teased him (abhi: the sender) with a few caustic remarks and then he avenged my audacity. I will write the whole episode verbatim without philandering with it, in an attempt to make it better.

There are always few people with whom you can’t adjust, whom you can’t bear around you and who suffice to prove that even almighty GOD makes mistakes. Such a girl is honored with the name X here, not because I am a GOD fearing person, but becuase I am afraid she can sue me. The girl is one from my neighborhood in Chennai, no false assumptions plz.

Here we go:
Dinsy: GR8 work of Adobe photoshop! If you want a pic with your dream gal, send me one of yours and X's snap. I will do the honor. LOL!

Abhi: G**** mein d****…reeeee…teri g**** mein d**** re!! Na Sone ka *****, na X ki dildo teri g**** mein d**** re.

Dinsy: hmm, abusive words, will forward it to X, stating that you pity her for using a dildo.

Abhi: She hates you so much, the whistle blower is gonna go against u. Hehehehe!

Dinsy: No work of abnegation be as profound as my being murdered, for your full of pleasure, amorous, affair with her.

Abhi: Forsooth, a moment of my pleasure be well worth a lifetime of thy contrition, but surely you are blaspheming, when you judge your murder a profound abnegation!

Dinsy: O venerable one and vulnerable one! I have done penance and will do it all cost, clamoring for action, even if the head of mine resides at one's feet. Only thing I fear is that this pauperism of yours, for pleasure, will lead you to, and only to, penitence; Height of pain is that, then, you won't even have me to shoulder your disgraceful body. You will moan, You will cry, You will groan, You will find how unspeakable your agony is; During this ordeal you will die every moment to ameliorate it but it will rarely if at all help. One bard wrote few lines for perverts of your heights:
Kisi Aankh ko sadaa do, kisi julf ko pukaro
Badi dhoop pad rahi hai, koi saaybaan nahi hai!!
Huhh!! Where did you get your vocab from man! Couldn't find all words on Google.

Abhi: Heh heh…let me reply to your mail with a few lines, another bard wrote. Only these are much simpler,
Sticks and stones might break my bones, but mere words can never touch them.
As for not finding them in Google, I don’t think Sergei Brine read as much as I did. ;)

Disny: Gud one! better was the peroration than the lines by some jobless bard. You should look forward to serious writing. I am serious.

What happened after this only Google will result you some day. Happy Googling.

Tamil terriyaadhu

Musafir huun yaaro, Na ghar hai, Na thikaanaa...it seems this song has some relevance to me. I was born in Haryana a few years (read:decades) back. When I was learning how to walk, we moved to a different town. Once I developed the skills to walk and run my family shifted to a new city, I happily joined them. I started my schooling (Kinder Garten) from "Bal Bhavan", a very well known place in a district (and city) called "Jind" in Haryana. I was undoubtedly a bright student but after I completed my 2nd standard, the life pushed us all the way to Assam. After reviewing my past record, Don Bosco, a well known school in Dhemaji (Assam), opened its door to me. I continued there for two years and again came back to Haryana. After 8 years, once more there was a call, this time from Gujarat and hence we moved there. From Gujarat, I moved to Madhya Pradesh only to learn the most important (read:toughest) lessons of life. Next milestone in this journey was Dhirubhai Ambani Inst., GandhiNagar, which is one of my favorite stops till date (28th October, 2007). Here ends the career of Dinesh Agarwal, as a student but not as a vagrant. I got a job myself and moved to Bangalore (Bengluru nowadays). I underwent a learning session for just two three months there (refer the blog titled "Kannada Gotti-La"). And now I am in Chennai, Tamilnadu. I've Started compromising on every thing in life starting from food, shelter and of course clothing. Chennai is a metropolitan city, I bet, only in records. Here you will find bus stops without a single arrangement to sit, humanity at its extreme i.e. people who are either extremely good or extremely bad, tamil as the only language known by most of the public, ATMs with either only Rs.500 currency notes or with only Rs100 currency notes (with a handwritten note on the machine that you can't withdraw more than 40 notes), someone buying a ticket for you in buses (through a queue formed by human beings, that starts with the person closest to conductor) and nonetheless beautiful girls wearing skin tight face masks of black colour (I am not ready to buy the argument that it is their skin colour, God can't be that partial). For any of the local problems your quick fix is "Tamil terriyaadhu". This is a magical chant (better than ROLLUS ENCOMPUS) which helps you conquer the enemy at the gate. Yesterday I wanted to explore the bus rides here, I got into a bus, offered a 10 Rupee currency note to a conductor only to get it back with some scoldings, which meant the money was less for such a long journey, But even my Rs50 note was also insulted. I, then, sat quietly as I wasn't bothered, if he doesn't offer me a ticket. But then, to my surprise, an old lady from nowhere, gave me three coins of Rs1 each and murmured her own chant. I was still unaffected by her magic, but not was this, the case, with Mr. conductor, he obeyed her and gave me a ticket against those coins. As they say, All well that ends well, or in hindi "Jaan bachi so laakhon paaye, laut ke buddhu ghar ko aaye". Anyways leave it, you said something? "Sorry Saar! Tamil Terriyaadhu". ;)

Kannada Gotti-La

Times are rare when your life takes a turn, one is for sure when you end your studies and join the corporate world. Case was same with me too, as I joined Mindtree Consulting in the first week of july and shifted to Bangalore(Bengluru??) finally. Bangalore to me was not a nice place at first, as I had to move a couple of kilometers to find whatever I was looking for. However, now I am as accustomed to it as an indigenous. My experiences till now suggest me that the life saviour sentence (or may be phrase) here is "Kannada Gotti-La". I don't know if it is written the same way I wrote it, but I am correct as far as the pronunciation is concerned. This phrase means "I lack the knowledge to understand what you just articulated in Kannada, which apparently means I am a dumbass". Kannada is the language of Karnataka for those who are bigger dumbasses and don't even know that much. When you shift your state, there are three core concerns "Roti kapada aur makaan" i.e. food, clothing and shelter. Fortunately, I brought enough of clothes with me from my place but to my dismay they have better showrooms here. The food here doesn't seem to be a great trouble as every nook and corner in the city has a restaurant with the word "Sagar" prefixed or postfixed to its name, though I found one exception in form of a restaurant with the name "Shastri Paradise". The only big trouble here for me is the third core issue which is shelter. I have seen so many houses till now that I can see a definite bright future for me as a real estate agent. It is either too expensive for me or too cheap to live in. Finally I settled in a Paying Guest Accommodation for boys for two months. Though I have to share it with a friend of mine, I like it as he is a nice fellow. We discuss things like etiquettes in france and US of A, We do discuss things which matter a lot in a relationship between boys and girls. We travel together and try to occupy a seat with a capacity to accommodate three people with the hope that some beautiful lady can occupy the third seat which never happens, but as they say "Umeed pe duniya kayam hai" we continue. The weather here is great and you need a blanket while sleeping and hot water to shower. I will start hunting for room or flat after a month once again and I wish I would get a good house or another blog entry.

Deewana-e-Ghalib on Deewan-e-Ghalib

Mirza Asadullah Baig Khan also known as Ghalib was born on Dec. 27, 1797 in Agra to parents of turkish aristocratic ancestry. Not many of us know that Ghalib's earlier pen-name was 'Asad'. But when Ghalib came across this sher which used the same pen-name('Takhallus')


"Asad us jafaa par butoN say wafaa ki

Meray sher shabaash rahmat kHuda ki."

(Asad worshipped idols after being betrayed. My couplets are great, by mercy of God)
Ghalib apparently said that whoever authored this 'sher' should get lots of mercy(rahmat) of God but if it is mine then lots of shame(laanat) on me, And consequently he changed his 'Takhallus' to Ghalib which literally means a conqueror.

Enough of introduction and let's move to the works of Ghalib



A piece of art which is rarely read,heard or sung by any aficionado of Ghalib.

Balli maarhah ke mahalle ki wo pechida daleeloN ki see wo galiYan
saamne Taal ke nuKkad pe baTeroN ke posheede
guD-guDaati hui paaN pi peekoN meiN wo daad wo waH-waH
chand darwaaze par laTke huye boshida se kuch TaaT ke parde
ek baKri ke mamiyaane ki awaaZ
aur dhoondhlaayi huyi shaam ke be-noor andhere
aise deewaroN se mooH joD kar chalte haiN yahaN
chuDi-waala unke katri ke badi bee jaise
apNi boojHti hui aaNkhoN se darwaaze TaTole
aisee be-noor andheri see gali qaasim se
ek quran-e-sukhan ka safa khulta hai
asad allah Khan 'GHalib' ka patha milta hai.

Great one isn't it?
There are many in the list. Let us have a look at few very famous 'sher' of the maestro

1)har ek baat pe kehte ho tum ke  'too kya hai'
tumheeN kaho ke yeh andaaz-e-guftgoo kya hai
guftgoo = conversation


One more...

2)baazeechaa-e-atfaal hai duniya mere aage
hota hai shab-o-roz  tamaasha  mere aage
baazeechaa = play/sport, atfaal = children

mat pooch ke kya haal hai mera tere peeche
too  dekh  ke  kya  rang  tera  mere  aage

One more...

3)bus ki dushwaar hai har kaam ka aasaaN hona
aadmee ko bhee muyassar naheeN  insaaN hona
dushwaar = difficult, muyassar = possible

kee mere qatl ke baad usne jafa se tauba
      haay us zood_pashemaaN ka pashemaaN hona
jafa = oppression, zood = quickly, pashemaaN = ashamed/mortified

haif  us chaar girah kapDe  ki qismat 'GHalib'
      jis ki qismat meiN ho aashiq ka girebaaN hona
haif = alas!, girah = one sixteenth of a yard, girebaaN = collar

The Last one...

4)hazaaroN KHwahishaiN 'eisee ke har KHwahish pe dam nikle
      bohot  nikle  mere  armaaN  lekin  fir  bhee  kam  nikle

nikalna KHuld se aadam ka sunte aayaiN haiN lekin
        bohot  be_aabru hokar tere  kooche  se  ham nikle
KHuld = heaven, be_aabaru = disgrace, koocha = street

magar likhwaaye  koee usko KHat, to hamse likhawaaye
      huee subah aur ghar  se kaan par rakhkar qalam nikle

KHuda  ke  waaste  parda  na  kaabe  se  uThaa zaalim
      kaheeN 'eisa na ho yaaN bhee wohee kaafir sanam nikle

kahaaN maiKHaane ka darwaaza 'GHalib' aur kahaaN waaiz
      par itana  jaante haiN  kal wo jaata tha ke ham  nikle
waaiz = preacher/advisor

I selected few 'sher' as selection was left to my discretion,
though there are many other 'sher' which you would prefer or
rate them as better than those provided here. All in all
Ghalib will be remembered for the centuries to come and no
one can replace him. Hats off to Ghalib.

"haiN aur bhee duniya  meiN suKHanwar bohot achche
         kehte haiN ki 'GHalib' ka hai andaaz-e-bayaaN aur"
[suKHanwar = Poet]

when my PC rocks

This is Mital, a pratap purian with endless energy to drive. He knows all the roads to everywhere and all the roads know him very well. He is the best driver I have ever seen driving live in my life.





This is khobcha group in Mt. Abu. Had a nice time there especially under the aegis of Mother nature as this place was ready to be explored by us. But when we went there last time CRPF people had captured this drunkard's indegenous.




There was a hole in that rock and it is an old adage that where there is a hole there is modi :)
Doesn't he look like a zombie in this image? Trust me he is a good looking brat.




This is Brijesh aka Birju Murali adulterated by Computer Graphics. He knows the wisest words to say and the wisest things to do. His timing for everything is so perfect that you will notice that you are the one being screwed by the anecdote only when he is about to finish or already finished.




This is Me. Suffering from anorexia and wandering agape. All in all it was a fun time there at Mt Abu. Before the words start flowing in the tears because of nostalgia let me stop it.

We all believe:
Get your motor runnin'
Head out on the highway
Lookin' for adventure
And whatever comes our way
Yeah Darlin' go make it happen
Take the world in a love embrace
Fire all of your guns at once
And explode into space

Like a true nature's child
We were born, born to be wild
We can climb so high
I never wanna die
-steppenwolf rocks too besides my P-III