Since when I was a kid, thought of becoming a PhD fascinated me. I looked up to people who talked about PhD, I rarely met anyone though. When I was in XII standard one of our teachers was a PhD, in fact the first person with a PhD I met in person. He was impressive, he was even good to me and I respected him as a teacher. Nitin Shah was his name and he had the eccentricity of a genius. I wanted to be like him, then I moved to DA-IICT and there were professors who were PhDs. It looked like PhD was a common thing there. Yet, I admired them for being called Dr. So and So.
When I look back and try to connect the dots, I look down at me as if I am a loser. I gradually, eventually developed myself into a freak; at least I had a clear conscience. I made a big move one year after graduating, leaving my easier life as a software engineer and now here I am, In USA doing PhD and having nightmares..or probably daymares, for I seldom can sleep at nights. I do not know what am I doing, I have no idea where am I going, and I have no idea if PhD is gonna end some day.
Most of my friends are married except Prk and Kunal. Well, Kunal is half married, engaged that is. My sisters remind me of my age during skype calls. They lure me to this institution of marriage by telling me what a stunning mermaid is waiting there for me to get married to. However, being a loser I have no idea what do I want. I get scared thinking of anything and I often try not to. I also have (had probably) B12 deficiency which affects the behavior of my brain and which made me feel good about myself being a crazy freak.
I taught last semester and I would say things in class that I did not intend to. While teaching XML, for example, I would suddenly start using the word Python Compiler to mean XML interpreter and only when students started smirking I would know I goofed up. I am getting crazy or I don't know probably I am already half crazy. I had to write a paper which I did start, but couldn't finish the project in time to close the paper and submit it. I have the project almost ready now and perhaps I will submit it next month. It is 6:47AM and I did not sleep a wink last night. I just couldn't, even though I tried.
Not all is bad, I still don't get suicidal thoughts. I still haven't lost all hope. I am slow but I am moving and as the famous Japanese adage goes "Never be afraid of moving slowly but of standing still".
I feel better after vomiting out this senseless post and I think I can sleep in a while, after finishing Chetan Bhagat's yet another book. For I am a nerd, let me tell you an old news. Google has been banned in China. Because of political issues Google doesn't say Chinese Govt tried to hack Gmail accounts of human-rights activists. Instead, they just said that someone did. Yeah, a hacker has so much to know about a human-rights activist's emails.
Well, now I am feeling much better. Thanks blogger...or thanks to Google indirectly.
