शब्द गूंथे हैं

यूँही बैठे बैठे आज कुछ शब्दों को पिरोने की कोशिश करते करते एक ख्याल दिल में आया | आप के नज़र करता हूँ उम्मीद है आपको पसंद आएगा:

जंग लगे संदूक में पड़ी  हुई, सिलवटों में लिपटे कागज पे छपी हुई, एक मुरझाई सी फोटो है,
जब  भी  दिल  की  दस्तक  पे  वो  संदूक  खोलता हूँ  बोतल  निकालने  के  लिए,
एक  दबी सी सहमी  हुई हसीं  के साथ,
संदूक  बंद  कर देता  हूँ, दोबारा ना छूने का वादा करता हूँ.
जवाब  जो  नहीं  है, सिलवटें  हिसाब  मांगती  हैं.

 एक ज़माना था, हर बात का जवाब रखते थे हम भी,
आज दहलीज पे बैठी हुई बिल्ली की मानिद, सपनों से खाली सुर्ख आँखों में,
किसी वीरान सड़क पे, काफी उंचाई पे, लगे एक दिए की तरह,
सिर्फ हलकी सी उम्मीद है,
काबू नहीं है, मगर इंतज़ार है, किसी हरकत का,
शायद इसिलए बार बार संदूक खोलता हूँ,
कपड़ों की तह में सिर्फ यादें है और कुछ भी नहीं मगर फिर भी,
ये हलकी सी उम्मीद जो है इसके सहारे संदूक खोल लेता हूँ.

खुदा या तो कोई हरकत कर या इस उम्मीद को भी उसी संदूक में बंद कर दे,
अगर उम्मीद काबू नहीं कर सकता तो ले
मुझ नामुराद को किसी संदूक  के अन्दर कर दे!!

Homecoming of Ms. Mac

I knew we belonged to the same institution - the institution of perfection. I sort of knew that, from the start, but it took me some time to realize. Nevertheless, I did realize and I am happy that I did. I am glad that we united. Boy! I just love her, even she has never disappointed me. She comfortably sits on my lap while I explore the world through her. The world has become a better place for me. Everything is so easy on eyes, I even love those sites which were a big NoNo earlier.

She is not the first laptop I used. She is not even the type I was acquainted with. Yet, she adopted me and I got used to her. We are inseparable now. She has the best OS ever made. She got the killer looks too. She doesn't even know what does a "blue screen of death" mean, she just doesn't freeze, no matter what.

Sometimes, I wish she had a button to move a page up or down, or a Home or End button, or even a Delete button that behaved like my other bitch did. I initially felt I lacked power without those buttons - try pressing back arrow key to go to the start of a line from its end. However, I am sure it is about stop being lazy and learning the real mode of interaction and knowing correct key combination.  After all, it gave me Command and Option buttons that are no match. I wanted to name it, but it already had a name that I could brag about. They call it MacBook, so do I.

It is white in color, even the LED is white which looks awesome in the dark. It is much faster with its 2.2 GHz Intel Core 2 Duo processor - I don't know why I always had this feeling that Intel is attached with MS somehow. The hard disk is not enough but as long as you do not store porn 160GB won't exhaust. Songs are now melodious and soothing- she is made by the same people who made iPod. The battery lasts forever, yet it is lighter. Even the charger has a magnetic end which rushes towards the correct "hole" and fits right in, as soon as you take it closer to its abode. The screen is just 13" but everything still fits as good as it did on 15". I wonder who re-sized my favorite websites, who told them I got a new computer, I don't know but it seems somebody did. That was all geeky stuff about her. By the way If I am a geek, what good does an apple a day do to me? Food for brain eh?

If there was a way to thank her I would. Alas! even to write this blog I need her. I could use the other one that I have kept at my place for no reason, but then, I don't want to offend my latest love.In short, we are getting along very well. She treats me well, never gets too hot and just never means to say "get lost". What else do I need? Let me guess, some rest. Yes! I desperately need it. Ok then, I bid you good buy. Oops Good bye!!

A diwali away from home

It was Diwali yesterday, a festival of lights, a festival to celebrate triumph of good over evil, a festival to fill your dull and boring life with joy, happiness and sparkling light. Here in Atlanta, I celebrated it with my roommate, a few friends and my family. Yes! I said, my family, before you scratch your head bald let me thank Skype.

It all started with a call from my room mate a night before Diwali. He reminded me that it was Diwali the following day and that we had to celebrate it. The plan was made instantly on phone, "you make something special", I suggested, "I will prepare Aloo Tikki and Atta ka Halwa", I added. We agreed, in the morning the first thing was to find out what all things were available and what were missing for that Gourmet's Delight. Surprisingly, we had only a few things missing. I needed some Coriander/Cilantro for Aloo Tikki and some dry fruits for Halwa and he wanted Aloo and Kaala Jeera for Aloo Dum that he wanted to cook. That is not bad when you need Curd, Tamarind chutney, Mint Chutney, Onions, Jeera/Cumin seeds and hell lot of other things for just Aloo Tikkis. We also cajoled a friend to "share" this with us and make some puris as his part of work. Later, we had to drop puris from the menu as we only had enough atta for halwa.

With all set, I pressure cooked 6 medium sized potatoes, made Tikki Masala out of it and started making Aloo Tikki while Navneet (my roomie) was gone to Farmer's market to get those small Aloos for Aloo dum. By the time he came back Aloo Tikkis were ready so we had 2-3 Aloo Tikkis each, there were still 4 of them left uncooked, to be eaten in the morning.

Then I started making halwa, the whole process was complicated but, other then messing up with hot water, rest all went good. Guys, if you want to make halwa prepare some hot water in advance, trust me you do not want to add cold water to your halwa. It looked awesome until I added water to it, but, after that it became sticky and did not taste good at the end. However, they did not complain about it and we kind of ate 15% of all that I made.

Navneet has a skilled hand when it comes to making Dal-Makhaani, luckily he had some from day before Diwali and he made some Aloo Dum today. So dineer was all good, we had dinner together and it was again fun more than this post for sure.

Everything was ok outside the kitchen, but when we had our dinner and went back we did not see our kitchen there, it was a big mess. All four burners of the stove were blatantly displaying the menu of the day to everyone. The sink was a humble witness of atrocity and was crying out loud if those yellow stains can be counted as tears. The utensils were fighting with each other to find their rightful place in the basin. We had no idea how many utensils we used, we were running out of spoons, bowls, forks and everything else that you usually have in a kitchen which is barely a kitchen.

I had to take responsibility of this herculean task, I got up in the morning took out the vacuum cleaner and cleaned the burners, I know it sounds weird but it works when you have lumps lurking around. It took almost 15 minutes but burners were squeaky clean. Next was the sink and then was the time to eat some of the leftover halwa with those 4 aloo tikkis. How could I miss family? How could I miss friends? How could I miss anyone when I did so much here? I do not know how, but I did miss everything. For few moments I wanted to be home. I wanted to help my nephew and niece with firecrackers. I wanted to be their hero chacha once more. I wanted to go out with friends. I wanted to have some pictures with my mom to put on my orkut page. I wanted to be happy not just look happy. All in All, I wanted to have part of what you had there friend. Someday I will, being an optimistic I always think that. Someday I will.

Laugh Riot

I found this one on internet. It is beyond limits. A total laugh riot. If you read this and do not laugh you need to see a doctor. Trust me any sane human being will laugh his lungs out after reading this masterpiece.

THE GYM

From: Jeff Peters

Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 10.22am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Membership Renewal

Dear David

This is a friendly reminder to let you know your gym membership expired last week. Your membership is important to us and we would like to take this opportunity to show our appreciation by offering you a 20% discount on your membership renewal. We look forward to seeing you again soon.

All the best,

Jeff Peters

------------

From: David Thorne

Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 1.37pm

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Membership Renewal

Dear Jeff,

Thankyou for your friendly reminder and the kind offer to reduce my membership by twenty percent. I own a calculator but I could not work out how to do percentages on it so have estimated that I save around $372.10 off the normal price of $420.00 - Please confirm that this is correct and I will renew my membership immediately. Also, do I get a Fitness First sports bag with towel and drinking bottle included in the price? I own my own legwarmers and headband.

Regards, David.

------------

From: Jeff Peters

Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.01am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello David

How did you come to that amount? Our half year membership fees are actually $460 but with the 20% discount as an existing member your renewing membership fee would be only $368 for the six months saving you almost $100 off the normal price. We are not Fitness First so do not have those bags.

Cheers, Jeff

------------

From: David Thorne

Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.18am

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

Do I get free shipping with that?

Regards, David.

---------

From: Jeff Peters

Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 12.48pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Free shipping with what? The $368 covers your membership fees for six months.

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Notice REGARDS MISSING :)

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From: David Thorne

Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 2.26pm

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

By the power of Greyskull that is a lot of money but I admit to being in desperate need of increasing my body strength. My ten year old child often turns the taps off in the bathroom very tightly and I have to go several days without washing. I feel bad constantly having to ask the lady from next door to come over and loosen them for me, what with her arthritis and limited wheelchair access to my apartment. To be honest, I originally joined your gym with full intentions of attending every few days but after waiting in vain for someone to offer me steroids, I began to suspect this was not going to happen and the realisation that I may have to exercise instead was, quite frankly, horrifying. My aversion to work, along with the fact one of your employees, Justin, was rather rude, telling me to 'lift this', ''push that' dulled my initial enthusiasm of becoming muscular and I stopped attending.

Regards, David.

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From: Jeff Peters

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 9.17am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello David

Not sure how to take your email, nobody here would offer you steroids, it is illegal and none of our staff would do this. Justin is one of our most experienced trainers and if you found him rude while he was trying to be helpful and just doing his job then there are plenty of other gyms you could look at joining instead.

Cheers, Jeff

---------

From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.02am

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

Yes, I have noticed that there are many gyms in my area. I assume the low qualification requirements of fitness trainers means that there is an over supply of these buffed but essentially otherwise purposeless professionals. I knew a guy in high school who couldn't talk very well and collected sticks, he used to call the teacher 'mum' and during recess we would give him money to dance. Then sell him sticks to get our money back. He went on to become a fitness instructor so I view gyms as kind of like those factories that provide a community service by employing people with down syndrome to lick stamps and pack boxes. Except with more Spandex obviously.

Regards, David.

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From: Jeff Peters

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.32am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Go f *ck yourself.

--------

From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 11.38am

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

I was, at first, quite surprised at your response; one minute you are inviting me to renew my membership and asking me for money, the next insulting me. After doing a little research however, I have learnt that mood swings are an expected side effect of steroid abuse. As another side effect is a reduction in the size of your p#$%, this gives you understandable cause to be an angry person. I have also learnt that Spandex contains carcinogenic properties so this does not bode well for yourself and your shiny friends. If I woke up one morning and my p#$% was a quarter of the size I would probably take my anger out on those around me as well. There are probably support groups or websites that could help you manage your problem more effectively and picture based books available on the subject for people with limited reading skills. When I am angry I like to Listen to music by Linkin Park. The added angst and desire to cut myself works similarly to the way firefighters fight forest fires by burning off sections, effectively canceling each other out and I find myself at peace. I understand that you guys usually listen to Pet Shop Boys or Frankie Goes to Hollywood so this may be worth a try.

Regards, David.

-------------

From: Jeff Peters

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.04pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

DO NOT EMAIL ME AGAIN

------------

From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.15pm

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Ok.

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From: Jeff Peters

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.25pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Is that you being a smartarse or agreeing not to email me again?

-----------

From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.32pm

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

The middle one.

----------

Another One:

PETS

Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 11.18am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Pets in the building

Hello David

I have received your email and wish to remind you that the strata agreement states that no animals are allowed in the building regardless of if your apartment is soundproof. How many dogs do you have at the premises?

Helen

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From: David Thorne

Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 1.52pm

To: Helen Bailey

Subject: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

Currently I only have eight dogs but one is expecting puppies and I am very excited by this. I am hoping for a litter of at least ten as this is the number required to participate in dog sled racing.

I have read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled from timber I borrowed from the construction site across the road during the night. I have devised a plan which I feel will ensure me taking first place in the next national dog sled championships.

For the first year of the puppies life I intend to say the word mush then chase them violently around the apartment while yelling and hitting saucepan lids together. I have estimated that the soundproofing of my apartment should block out at least sixty percent of the noise and the dogs will learn to associate the word mush with great fear so when I yell it on race day, the panic and released adrenaline will spur them on to being winners.

I am so confident of this being a foolproof plan that I intend to sell all my furniture the day before the race and bet the proceeds on coming first place.

Regards, David.

----------

From: Helen Bailey

Date: Friday 22 May 2009 9.43am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, I am unsure what to make of your email. Do you have pets in the apartment or not?

Helen

---------

From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 22 May 2009 11.27am

To: Helen Bailey

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

No. I have a goldfish but due to the air conditioner in my apartment being stuck on a constant two degrees celcius, the water in its bowl is iced over and he has not moved for a while so I do not think he is capable of disturbing the neighbours.

The ducks in the bathroom are not mine. The noise which my neighbours possibly mistook for a dog in the apartment is just the looping tape I have of dogs barking which I play at high volume while I am at work to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my tupperware. I need it to keep food fresh.

Once I ate leftover chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and I experienced complete awareness. The next night I tried eating it again but only experienced chest pains and diarrhoea.

Regards, David.

----------

From: Helen Bailey

Date: Friday 22 May 2009 1.46pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Hello David

You cannot play sounds of dogs or any noise at a volume that disturbs others. I am sure you can appreciate that these rules are for the benefit of all residents of the building. Fish are fine. You cannot have ducks in the apartment though. If it was small birds that would be ok.

Helen

------------

From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 22 May 2009 2.18pm

To: Helen Bailey

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

They are very small ducks.

Regards, David.

----------

From: Helen Bailey

Date: Friday 22 May 2009 4.06pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, under section 4 of the strata residency agreement it states that you cannot have pets. You agreed to these rules when you signed the forms.

These rules are set out to benefit everyone in the building including yourself. Do you have a telephone number I can call you on to discuss?

Helen

----------

From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 22 May 2009 5.02pm

To: Helen Bailey

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

Dear Helen,

The ducks will no doubt be flying south for the winter soon so it will not be an issue. It is probably for the best as they are not getting along very well with my seventeen cats anyway. .

Regards, David.

----------

From: Helen Bailey

Date: Monday 25 May 2009 9.22am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building

David, I am just going to write on the forms that we have investigated and you do not have any pets.

Helen

Every time I read this I laugh.

My new blog

Finally, I am coming back to this original blog which taught me the basics of blogging. I heard the word Search Engine Optimization (SEO) so many times that I had to try it out. SEO is a technique which pushes your page's rank up. What this mean is e.g. if I blog about kid's stories and someone type "kid stories" in a search engine such as google or Bing (Microsoft) my blog should be one of the results on the first page. Sounds good eh? But this is not that easy, so they said. For the heck of it I wanted to prove that it is not impossible for a person to make a blog and get it famous. Therefore I created this blog http://indiacallsfree.blogspot.com and I am trying various things to push it's page rank up.

And joined me in this traversal has Jitu. Jitu: An avid blogger, a good friend, easy to mingle human being and a hard core critic. Do me a favor and visit his page for sheer pleasure of your eyes (if you read through eyes) http://geekinjitu.blogspot.com/. The joke in DW industry goes like the hackneyed star wars dialog "May the SSIS be with you".

The blog sits on 16th page of google right now for not so obvious queries but I am trying to make it as popular as possible. Probably you will amaze yourself some day when you click on some link on the first page of google search results and find this same blog. Amen. Till then I take your leave. Peace!!

एक दिन अलग सा

सन्वैधानीक चेतावनी : यह रचना काल्पनिक है, कृपया इसे पढ़कर यह न समझें की आपकी ज़िन्दगी सुखद है|

आज मैं सुबह ६ बजे सो कर उठ गया। स्वाभाविकतः मैं ९ बजे उठता हूँ किंतु आज न जाने क्यों मेरी नींद जल्दी खुल गई। शायद यही इस मनहूस दिन की शुरुआत थी।